Confessions of a retired cheater

From Vogue Magazine

Eileen Kelly

If you ask 10 people why they cheat, you’ll get 10 different answers. I wasn’t getting what I needed. I felt smothered. We’d grown apart. The truth is those are stories we tell ourselves to feel like decent people doing indecent things.

People cheat (or micro-cheat) for a thousand reasons, but the through line is always the same—disconnection—and the problem is rarely the person you’re betraying. For me, cheating was a brief suspension of loneliness. It was also the only way I knew how to quiet the noise in my own head.

Serial cheaters are the most tragic kind. I know because I was one—and I dated them too. They’re not villains so much as addicts: people who crave the high of newness and the rush of being seen. The thrill of being wanted feels, for a fleeting second, like proof of worth. But it never lasts. Once the novelty fades, the noise rushes back in—and they run.

This isn’t a cheater’s apologia; I know exactly how selfish that behavior was. For years my own pain just eclipsed everyone else’s.

The first time I cheated, I was in college, long-distance with my high school boyfriend and terrified of being alone. One night after a drunken make-out, I confessed over tears on the phone, wanting to believe I was still good. Then, years later, I fell in love with someone who cheated on me. I went through his phone one night while he was in the shower and saw a thread of late-night texts with his roommate.

“Please don’t tell Eileen,” he wrote.

“I won’t tell her, but if she asks, I won’t lie.”

I broke up with him immediately, then got back together with him, then cheated out of spite, as if I thought hurting him would balance the scales. It didn’t. It only deepened the hollowness I’d been trying to fill.

Between those early betrayals and the final reckoning, there were short-lived flings and emotional affairs, moments of weakness that all stemmed from the same thing: I couldn’t stand to be alone. Then came COVID. I fell into an affair with an ex while both of us were dating other people. It was wrong, of course, but karmically fitting: two people addicted to each other’s chaos, playing out the final act of a story that had ended long before. When it was over, I felt empty but clear.

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Top 10 countries where women cheat

Top 10 countries where women cheat the most on their partners from pulse.ng

Infidelity among women is more common in some countries than others.

Cheating in relationships is a topic that never fails to stir debate and curiosity. While infidelity can happen anywhere, certain cultural and societal factors seem to make it more common in some countries than others.

Whether influenced by tradition, personal beliefs, or modern attitudes toward relationships, these differences shape how fidelity is viewed worldwide. While no statistic can define an entire nation, looking at global trends can give us a better understanding of where infidelity is reportedly more frequent.

Here’s a look at ten countries where studies suggest women are more likely to cheat.

1. Thailand

Some studies suggest that a significant percentage of Thai women have admitted to extramarital affairs. Factors contributing to this include cultural attitudes towards sexuality and the prevalence of entertainment venues that facilitate such encounters.

2. Denmark

In Denmark, liberal views on relationships and sexuality may contribute to higher reported rates of infidelity. Surveys have indicated that a notable percentage of Danish women have engaged in extramarital activities, possibly reflecting the country's open attitudes towards personal freedom.

3. Germany

Germany's progressive stance on personal freedoms extends to relationships. Research indicates that a considerable number of German women have reported being unfaithful, which may be influenced by the country's acceptance of individual choices and less stigmatised views on extramarital affairs.

4. Italy

Italy has reports suggesting that a significant number of Italian women have engaged in infidelity. Cultural factors, including the romanticisation of love affairs in media and literature, might play a role in these statistics.

5. France

France's reputation for romance also includes a more lenient view of extramarital affairs. Surveys have shown that a notable percentage of French women have admitted to cheating, which may be influenced by the country's cultural acceptance of complex romantic relationships.

6. Norway

In Norway, studies have indicated that a significant number of women have engaged in infidelity. The country's liberal attitudes towards sexuality and emphasis on personal autonomy might contribute to these findings.

7. Belgium

Belgium has reported higher rates of infidelity among women, with surveys suggesting that a considerable percentage have had extramarital affairs. Cultural openness and less rigid views on monogamy may influence these statistics.

8. Spain

Spain's vibrant culture includes a notable percentage of women reporting infidelity. Factors such as societal attitudes towards passion and romance might contribute to the prevalence of extramarital activities.

9. United Kingdom

Top 10 countries where women cheat the most on their partners

In the UK, surveys have indicated that a significant number of women have admitted to cheating on their partners. Changing societal norms and attitudes towards marriage and fidelity may play a role in these findings.

10. Finland

Finland's liberal views on personal relationships are reflected in studies showing that a notable percentage of Finnish women have engaged in infidelity. The emphasis on individual freedom and less traditional views on marriage might contribute to these statistics.

Cheater Guide is for men - but guess what? Women cheat too!

Could You Spot a Cheater Who Doesn't Feel Guilty?

Physical absence may be the most reliable indicator. From Psychology Today

I have previously written about spotting red flags of infidelity,[i] whether it “just happens,”[ii] and whether infidelity is satisfying for the straying partner.[iii] One of the most challenging and heartbreaking aspects of relational betrayal is relating to the partner who doesn’t feel guilty. How is that possible? Research explains.

Seeking Sexual Infidelity

Many partners experience immediate regret when they step outside the boundaries of a committed relationship. Whether due to a situational lapse of judgment or giving into temptation in a setting they should have avoided, such as a bachelor’s party or single’s bar, they wish they had thought things through. But some instances of infidelity are planned and pursued.

Dylan Selterman et al. (2023), in an article entitled “No Remorse,”[iv] studied motivations and post-affair experiences of a sample of mostly married men using Ashley Madison, a now infamous website designed to facilitate infidelity. Their sample was comprised of a mostly married middle-aged adult population, 84%-90% men. Unlike people who “fall into” affairs through compromising situations, Ashley Madison users invested money, time, and energy into pursuing infidelity.

Selterman et al. note their results suggest that contrary to expectations, affair experiences may be counterintuitive and potentially self-contradictory. Cheaters may love their primary partners but also experience significant pleasure in their affairs, with little regret. In fact, they even found that some participants seeking affairs also were actively seeking to improve their primary relationships, such as attending marital counseling. Study participants also expressed feeling good about themselves and their satisfaction with life—both factors which Selterman et al. note would seem to reduce the likelihood of seeking an affair. They also note that the lack of association between relationship quality and having affairs may indicate that cheating may be motivated by factors such as a desire for variety and self-esteem rather than from relational deficits in a marriage or partnership.

Recognizing Infidelity Without Regret or Remorse

Contrary to what many people would expect, straying partners in the research conducted by Selterman et al. experienced low levels of moral regret. As a practical matter, lack of remorse would explain a lack of behaviors associated with regret, which could make it harder to detect infidelity.

In many relationships, cheating partners behave differently, raising suspicions among spouses, close friends, and family. Not all cheating spouses run out to buy a flashy new sports car or start dressing like they are going to a nightclub. Many straying partners, especially with children in the home, appear distracted, moody, or irritable—as they struggle with cognitive dissonance. Because infidelity usually involves feelings of guilt, changes in affect and behavior can be transparent predictors of extra-relational activity. But for a spouse who does not experience remorse or regret, there may be no changes in the daily routine in terms of emotion or mood. An affair is more likely detected by time spent in secret—whether out of the house or in front of the computer screen. Because even without behavior change, secrets breed suspicion.

When an affair is discovered, the lack of remorseful behavior can be heartbreaking for the innocent partner, adding insult to injury. How could they have seen it coming? In many cases, through examining history.

History Repeats Itself

If someone has been unfaithful in the past, prospective paramours are wise to worry he or she will be unfaithful in the future. The research by Selterman et al. demonstrates this can be true even for people who don’t have anything negative to say about past relational partners. If motives for straying are not tied to relational dissatisfaction, it is wise to remain attentive to other red flags such as time spent in the company of relational alternatives, whether in person or online.

The goal is to select a partner who both talks the talk and walks the walk in terms of commitment. This foundation can best be explored through a healthy process of relationship building over time, testing both compatibility and trust. Especially for people getting over a breakup, resisting the temptation to rush into a new relationship affords the opportunity to build a slow and steady alliance of love, faithfulness, and respect.

Stop with the GUILTY signals - read Cheater Guide

Jumbotrons, Spotify playlists and TripAdvisor reviews: How the unfaithful get caught by technology

Digital footprint has been revealed as a potential foe to those cheating on their partner — though some apps have changed their protocol to become an accomplice - : From EL PAIS English edition

By Marita Alonso

Hotel receipts, whiffs of perfume and lipstick stains on shirt collars were once the most common tells of infidelity, providing exceptional dramatic material for romance novels, detective movies and heartbreak anthems. But these days, technology is the worst enemy of the unfaithful. The kiss cam that unmasked Andy Bryon, CEO of Astronomer, and Kristin Cabot, the company’s director of human resources, mid-Coldplay concert serves as one example. Technology, which in theory is designed to make our lives easier, can often present its own issues — particularly to those who have been cheating.

Of course, before ruining a person’s life, technology can make it easier to have an affair in the first place. “76% of the users of the application for extramarital relationships Ashley Madison say they started their affair thanks to technology, primarily through social media and WhatsApp,” Lara Ferreiro, psychologist and couples therapy specialist, tells EL PAÍS. “Currently, 61% of infidelities are discovered through technological errors: notifications, computer search history, having left apps open. That’s why 80% of the unfaithful on that app say they use applications like Telegram and Snapchat to have safer conversations. But you have to keep in mind that 24% of couples share their geolocation,” she says.

That’s an important fact. Viki Morandeira, who coaches couples that have gone through an episode of cheating, recalls a case that puts a pin on its significance. “As many people know, today you can geolocate a device through another linked device by using an app. A woman who had doubts surrounding her spouse’s fidelity simply made use of that, and geolocated her husband’s phone in the house of their mutual friend,” she tells EL PAÍS.

Even LinkedIn, a platform being used more and more to flirt, has played a role in uncovering cheating. “A director of a multinational company received messages via LinkedIn from her husband’s lover. Because she didn’t otherwise have the woman’s contact, the lover used LinkedIn Premium to send her direct messages. She wrote to her asking her to leave her ”boyfriend," and attached screengrabs of their conversations, showing that they’d been in a relationship for nearly a year,” she says.

On the Netflix dating reality show The Ultimatum: Queer Love, it came to light that two participants had slept with women who weren’t their partners when their Spotify accounts revealed that they’d spent nights listening solely to sex playlists for weeks. “This was not only a thrillingly chaotic revelation… Whether meaning to or not, Dayna and Mel have revolutionized cheating on reality TV, with their musical footprint not only spotlighting this common aspect of modern life but offering a new way for contestants everywhere to check on their partner’s faithfulness,” wrote Joel Medina on Collider. “It broke new grounds for how to catch cheaters, and it was the perfect climax to one of the biggest dramas Netflix has ever seen.”

None of this is new. Many experts have been warning us for years that the monitoring of our own habits could become a problem for many people by encouraging certain obsessions and putting an end to intimacy. When intimacy goes away, behaviors are revealed, like infidelity. Silvia Rubies, who is the head of communication in Spain and Latin America for Gleeden, an extramarital and non-monogamous dating site, tells another surprising story: “A woman discovered her partner had been unfaithful via his Apple Watch. When she tracked it, she saw intense physical activity in the middle of nights during which he had supposedly been traveling for work,” she says. She explains that Gleeden strives for its users not to be found out through technological means. “For example, we send receipts under the name of gyms, banks or whatever each user chooses. We also have an escape button and ‘shake to exit’ feature when they are using the app on their telephone (meaning, you can shake your device to exit the app) and additionally, we offer the option to swap out our app’s logo for another in the telephone’s interface,” she explains. If in some ways, technology is the enemy of the unfaithful, in others, it is adapting to be their accomplice.

Ferreiro says that one of her clients found out about her husband’s infidelity because their young son activated Siri (“Siri, read me messages”) just when he was getting an erotic message. Siri read it aloud. “The most Dantesque case is that of the woman who put a positive evaluation of a hotel on Google Reviews — only she hadn’t gone there with her partner. Many cheaters aren’t careful at all,” she says. Rubies raises her, saying, “I remember the case of an executive who was trying to end an extramarital affair. He showed me how he constantly blocked and unblocked his mistress, because he was addicted to the dopamine rush he got from infidelity. But when he blocked her on WhatsApp, the lover started sending him $1 money transfers with messages in the description, which ended up being the way his spouse found him out. Another Mexican client discovered that her spouse was communicating with his lover through an app that simulated being a calculator, when in reality it was for encrypted messaging. They had a business together and the lover was the director of the bank branch that managed the firm’s accounts.” Private detective Rafael Guerrero, co-author of the Spanish language book Elemental, Radiografía del Detective Privado (Elemental, Radiography of the Private Detective), says that not only is our digital footprint traceable — it’s getting easier to monitor. “A partner that suspects infidelity can hire a detective to uncover proof. Keep in mind that is the only professional who is permitted in Spain to investigate private information of a personal nature. A parallel sentimental relationship has a very intense emotional component, which makes it easy to make mistakes. Those depend a lot on the kind of relationship that generates the infidelity, if its only virtual, temporary or if it’s more stable,” he says.

Platforms and applications don’t only bring to light infidelities. The victims of extramarital relationships have also found original ways to use them to send messages to their former partners. Such is the case of a woman whose boyfriend cheated on her. “My ex never stopped using my Netflix, so I changed the profile name to ‘Unfaithful’ and the settings so that he could only watch kids’ shows,” she writes on Reddit. Technology can be the perfect way of getting back at someone. You may have cheated on me, but forget about seeing the ending of Squid Game.

Remember Cheater Guide shows how to COVER YOUR TRACKS